La rídicula idea de no volver a verte
29 diciembre, 2017
Aprender la ligereza
9 enero, 2018

Crisis angustiosas y duelo

Las crisis angustiosas me agrandaron el conocimiento del mundo. Hoy me alegro de haberlas tenido; así supe lo que era el dolor psíquico, que es desvastador por lo inefable. Porque la característica esencia de lo que llamamos locura es la soledad, pero una soledad monumental. Una soledad tan grande que no cabe dentro de la palabra soledad y que uno no puede ni llegar a imaginar si no ha estado ahí. Es sentir que te has desconectado del mundo, que no te van a poder enteder, que no tienes palabras para expresarte.
Es como hablar un lenguaje que nadie más conoce. Es ser un astronauta flotando a la deriva en la vastedad negra y vacía del espacio exterior. De este tamaño es la soledad de la que estoy hablando. Y resulta que en el verdadero dolor, en el dolor-alud sucede algo semejante. Aunque la sensación de desconexión no sea tan extrema tampoco puedes compartir ni explicar tu sufrimiento.





Superar el duelo.



En los primeros días, la gente te dice; «LLora, llora, es muy bueno» y es como si dijeran «Ese absceso hay que rajarlo y apretarlo para que salga la el pus» … y ya está. Y precisamente en los primeros momentos es cuando menos tienes ganas de llorar, porque estás en el shock, extenuada y fuera del mundo que conocías. Pero después, enseguida, muy pronto, justo cuando tu estás empezando a encontrar el caudal aparentemente inagotable de tu llanto, el entorno se pone a reclamarte un esfuerzo de vitalidad y de optimismo, de esperanza hacia el futuro, de recuperación de tu pena. Como si se tratara de una hepatitis (pero no te recuperas nunca, ése es el error; uno no se recupera, uno se reinventa)


Con esto no quiero decir que los deudos tengan que pasarse dos años vestidos de luto, encerrados en sus casas y sollozando de la mañana a la noche, como antaño se hacía. Oh, no, el duelo y la vida no tienen nada que ver con eso.
De hecho, la vida es tan tenaz, tan poderosa, que incluso desde los primeros momentos de la pena te permite gozar de instantes de alegría: el deleite de una tarde hermosa, una risa, una música, la complicidad con un amigo … La vida se abre paso con la misma terquedad con la que una plantita minúscula es capaz de rajar el suelo de hormigón para sacar la cabeza…
Pero al mismo tiempo la pena también sigue su curso … te levantas bien, relativamente tranquila y apenas un cuarto de hora después tienes ganas de aullar como un animal salvaje.


Crisis angustiosas y duelo


Recojo todos estos fragmentos del libro La ridícula idea de no volver a verte» de Rosa Montero porque ella transita por el estado del dolor, tal como lo ha vivido, descarnadamente. No te manda mensajes de autosuperación, te acompaña en el camino con la experiencia que es lo que te hace confirmar y reconocer que puede atravesarse el infierno y respirar el aire alguna vez, incluso salir y recoger bocanadas.

la-ridicula-idea-de-no-volver-a-verte

La ridícula idea de no volver a verte» de Rosa Montero

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